To truly live an Orthodox life, one must live and behave Orthodox both in church, and out of church. To achieve our own salvation and transformation, our mother church provides us with guidelines and advice on all subject matters. There are no taboo topics or things that we should not discuss in the Church, since all things either provide for our salvation or our detriment. In that spirit, our mother church provides us advice when it comes to marital relations. It is essential to note that the Church does not necessarily care about the intimate details of the relationship. Instead, the Church is concerned with the question of ‘when’ the intimacy happens.
1. During fasting periods in the Church, sexual relations, as much as possible for a couple, are to be avoided (1 Cor. 7:5; “Do not deprive each other, except by mutual consent and for a time so that you may devote yourselves to prayer.”)
2. The night before and leading up to communion, couples are to refrain from sexual relations.
Abstinence during fasting periods is NOT because the Church thinks that intimate relations within marriage are sinful. We abstain because, as a couple, we are focused on something other than ourselves, God. We give priority to the One who keeps our relationship fruitful and loving. The same applies to fasting on the eve of communion. A couple, the night before communion, should engage in prayer and reflection on the great sacrament that will be given to them. During fasting periods, while being aware that we ought to abstain, the intimacy will be a matter of agreement of every couple, given weaknesses that we may possess. The only non-negotiable abstinence is in preparation for communion.
Lastly, in today’s world, there are many Orthodox YouTube channels, and yes, there are many good things to be heard. However, I’ve listened to very misleading advice given to people on YouTube related to this topic that requires people to practice a monastic-like abstinence. This may not necessarily be healthy for the majority of marriages. Whenever there are questions about topics that are deeply personal, it is always best to discuss this with your priest! A YouTube video cannot give you specific advice based on your particular situation. These topics require the understanding and communication that only an in person discussion can convey.
May God bless our fasting and ascetic efforts and abstinence for His sake!